Feed Me, Seymour

I have never been a plant person. My wife has never been a plant person.

Still, for Christmas, I gave her an amaryllis bulb.

It came in a box, that I bought at Target, when I was doing one of those "stuff to put under the tree" random present sweeps.

I wasn't sure it would actually grow, but what the hell -- it was on sale, for $3.50.

And the box had a pleasing square shape, that would look good in wrapping paper.

My wife thought it was nice, and then the box sat on a side table for a few weeks after Christmas, waiting.

Finally, my wife opened it, and followed the instructions, which involved combining bulb, pot and soil and whatever else was in the box, and then putting it on a nearby bookshelf.

For the first few weeks, not much happened. There was some growth, but nothing too thrilling. The box said it took 6 weeks to flower.

Then, last weekend, it started to grow, and grow. Soon it was about 6 inches high, looking a lot like, well, a penis. Shaft, bulb. I resisted the temptation to look under the soil for little amaryllis testicles.

It kept growing, and we finally moved it to the kitchen. Opened the window blinds, to give it a little more light.

I think it likes the light.

At noon yesterday, it was 15 1/4 inches high. By midnight, it was 17 inches high. Almost 2 inches in just 12 hours.

No sign of a flower, yet.

No sign of teeth. Yet.

I talk nicely to it. I think it is my friend.

But if I disappear, look inside the plant.