ALLIGATORS IN A HELICOPTER

a pro script reader ponders movies, reading, writing and the occasional personal flashback

Saturday, March 04, 2006

This Year's Oscar Drinking Game

Take one drink if...

-- Joan Rivers embarrasses herself on the red carpet.

-- Someone on the red carpet takes the opportunity to pimp their upcoming release.

-- Felicity Huffman turns up looking HOT, just to remind everyone that she is neither a man or a frazzled desperate housewife.

-- The opening sequence tries to distance itself from Billy Crystal singing, but you still miss Billy.

-- Jon Stewart mentions his dire film career.

-- There is a shot of Peter Coyote lurking around backstage, doing voiceover stuff while trying to get someone to hire him to actually act.

-- You guess the Best Supporting Actress winner wrong.

-- You guess the Best Supporting Actor winner wrong.

-- Jon Stewart makes a Dick Cheney joke, or one about the Knicks. Or about something else having nothing remotely to do with movies.

-- They pair up two presenters who have nothing to do with each other, and you can't come up with a good joke about why. Or why they paired a 5' 8" guy with a 5' 11" woman in heels.

-- Someone makes a joke involving the words "I can't quit you" (even if it is someone in the room watching with you). Limit 7.

-- The winner of Best Live Action Short thrusts the Oscar into the air.

-- The winner of Best Costume is wearing something boring.

-- They cut to someone who is there with their mother.

-- They cut away to Jack Nicholson looking smug. And he isn't with his mother.

-- There's a commercial for a movie in which something blows up, despite the fact that no one watching the Oscars this year actually likes that kind of movie.

-- Any of the winners comments about how "important" their movie was. (But 3 drinks if it's the Wallace and Gromit guys).

-- You wonder how Dolly Parton's breasts are still staying up.

-- Jon Stewart makes a joke about Dolly's breasts (two drinks if he wonders if the wire guys from "The Matrix" are involved).

-- Larry McMurtry wins best script for "Brokeback", and mentions his damn typewriter again.

-- They run the death roll, and there's someone you forgot was dead (pour a little bit of your drink on the floor, in respect).

-- They pan over the crowd, and there's someone you forgot was alive.

-- Reese Witherspoon lets a little more of that southern accent slip into her acceptance speech, just because it's cute.

-- You're relieved that Philip Seymour Hoffman shaved.

-- Jon Stewart makes a joke about the length of the show.

-- Ang Lee resists the opportunity to apologize for "The Hulk" -- or try to defend it by pointing out the gay subtext.

-- Someone in the room you are in points out that Martin Scorcese got ripped off again -- even though he didn't direct a movie last year.

-- The producers of Brokeback Mountain accept their award by announcing that they are doing a prequel, involving a gay cowboy's forbidden love with a gay Indian, against the backdrop of the Battle of Little Big Horn.

Feel free to add to this list...

15 Comments:

At 12:51 PM, Blogger Tom said...

Are you trying to make sure we all get stinking drunk?

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger Scott the Reader said...

Absolutely. Then I can have my way with you. In a tent.

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger Tom said...

I wish I could quit you, Scott.

And thus, the least original one-liner of the past three months continues breathing...

 
At 1:10 PM, Blogger Naila J. said...

rofl... We all wish we could quit Scott.

Lets all tell him so that he gets really wasted ;)

 
At 5:47 PM, Blogger Peter C. Hayward said...

I won't be able to catch the Oscars...could someone post a list of how many of these actually happened, after the event?

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger Patrick J. Rodio said...

My son's talent show as last night, cute kids and all, but most of the acts were lip-synching lame pop songs.

I've been put in charge for next year, and was thinking about doing a Brokeback skit with the kids. think it will fly?

 
At 7:35 PM, Blogger Brett said...

Who the hell ARE you anyway, Scott? How do we know you REALLY drink on every proper cue? Do you think YOUR predictions are so much better than anyone else's just because you have a Blockbuster card? Admit it-- the only reason you posted this blog was to pimp your Oscar predicting service.

Slobber slobber slobber, drool drool drool.

I'm a veg, Scott.

Can I drink tonight-- a day early-- just for the hell of it? I feel a need.
.
.
.
tum pluckered out B

 
At 7:37 PM, Blogger Brett said...

Oh-- for Patrick:

My suggestion is you do a live restaging of Boorman's EXCALIBUR. Kids love Wagner, blood and young Helen Mirren in a cuirass.

And yes, I felt a warm happiness at the chance to use the word "cuirass."
.
.
.
B

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

"Joan Rivers embarrasses herself on the red carpet."

Um, I don't want to die of alcohol poisoning. How about one drink every eighth time she embarrasses herself?

 
At 9:32 AM, Blogger mernitman said...

A couple you left out: Take a drink every time someone on stage says something related to black people or African-Americans, and they cut to a black/African-American actor sitting in the audience (or substitute race of your choice), and...

Take a drink if they still, after all this time, cut to a shot of Tom when Nicole's up, or vice versa.

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger Scott the Reader said...

The word "drink", of course, is vague. It doesn't necessarily mean "chug".

For instance, if you only take a small sip every time Joan wonders if someone's date is their mother (or if someone's daughter is their date), or asks a B-level star who they are exactly, you should be able to get thoroughly smashed, without quite risking dropping dead.

 
At 3:51 PM, Anonymous kristen said...

well, as of now, pre-show, joan has already mistaken Lee Majors for Larry McMurtry.

 
At 4:34 PM, Blogger Naila J. said...

We don't get Joan Rivers in Canada's pre-Oscar feature. We're stuck with ABC's broadcast. Which is not too bad. But the producer could be a lot better. He/she can't seem to cut to new cameras fast enough. Every single time.

 
At 9:38 PM, Blogger Scott the Reader said...

I missed the pre-show, because the host had me helping make won-tons.

I did predict the Jon Stewart self-depreciation acting career joke, and I could have gotten drunk on shots of Jack Nicholson alone.

And I made the comment about the Pimp guys having more Oscars that Martin Scorcese, a few minutes before Jon did.

If Brokeback Mountain had won Best Picture, I would have split the Oscar pool. Foiled again.

 
At 2:44 AM, Blogger taZ said...

Well, I heard the Oscars were great, but I got drunk anyway...

 

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