This Year's Oscar Drinking Game

Take one drink if...

-- Joan Rivers embarrasses herself on the red carpet.

-- Someone on the red carpet takes the opportunity to pimp their upcoming release.

-- Felicity Huffman turns up looking HOT, just to remind everyone that she is neither a man or a frazzled desperate housewife.

-- The opening sequence tries to distance itself from Billy Crystal singing, but you still miss Billy.

-- Jon Stewart mentions his dire film career.

-- There is a shot of Peter Coyote lurking around backstage, doing voiceover stuff while trying to get someone to hire him to actually act.

-- You guess the Best Supporting Actress winner wrong.

-- You guess the Best Supporting Actor winner wrong.

-- Jon Stewart makes a Dick Cheney joke, or one about the Knicks. Or about something else having nothing remotely to do with movies.

-- They pair up two presenters who have nothing to do with each other, and you can't come up with a good joke about why. Or why they paired a 5' 8" guy with a 5' 11" woman in heels.

-- Someone makes a joke involving the words "I can't quit you" (even if it is someone in the room watching with you). Limit 7.

-- The winner of Best Live Action Short thrusts the Oscar into the air.

-- The winner of Best Costume is wearing something boring.

-- They cut to someone who is there with their mother.

-- They cut away to Jack Nicholson looking smug. And he isn't with his mother.

-- There's a commercial for a movie in which something blows up, despite the fact that no one watching the Oscars this year actually likes that kind of movie.

-- Any of the winners comments about how "important" their movie was. (But 3 drinks if it's the Wallace and Gromit guys).

-- You wonder how Dolly Parton's breasts are still staying up.

-- Jon Stewart makes a joke about Dolly's breasts (two drinks if he wonders if the wire guys from "The Matrix" are involved).

-- Larry McMurtry wins best script for "Brokeback", and mentions his damn typewriter again.

-- They run the death roll, and there's someone you forgot was dead (pour a little bit of your drink on the floor, in respect).

-- They pan over the crowd, and there's someone you forgot was alive.

-- Reese Witherspoon lets a little more of that southern accent slip into her acceptance speech, just because it's cute.

-- You're relieved that Philip Seymour Hoffman shaved.

-- Jon Stewart makes a joke about the length of the show.

-- Ang Lee resists the opportunity to apologize for "The Hulk" -- or try to defend it by pointing out the gay subtext.

-- Someone in the room you are in points out that Martin Scorcese got ripped off again -- even though he didn't direct a movie last year.

-- The producers of Brokeback Mountain accept their award by announcing that they are doing a prequel, involving a gay cowboy's forbidden love with a gay Indian, against the backdrop of the Battle of Little Big Horn.

Feel free to add to this list...